Dear Diary Welcome to Limbo!

March 22, 2014

Dear Diary

Spring, Terrace Gardens, Richmond

Spring, Terrace Gardens, Richmond

Hi Diary,

Today my mind keeps holding on to the dream that if I am just patient and keep moving forward that I will reach the point where I am ready to start fostering. I’ve been dreaming of this for years, but I knew I couldn’t do it until I’m a well-balanced foundation so that I can be the best guardian I can be.
I know it’s ridiculous, but I feel like it has taken me a long time to grow up. But then from talking with friends who have children, no one ever really feels grown up enough to be responsible for another person’s life. But at least I can get the financial and home situation as perfect as possible.
I really over extended myself with my current place. I thought I would scale down my dream, I thought a 2 bed garden flat would be enough space for children but I was wrong. But I think I was meant to move here first. Without that decision, I wouldn’t have had my petite french amie stay and I wouldn’t be doing this blog. It seems sometimes the universe has plans that often deviate from our own. But that’s fine, as long as I can still see the magic, it all makes sense.
I know now that I don’t want to compromise my dream. I want to take care of a bigger family, one that would otherwise be spilt up; I want to keep them together because I feel they’ll have a greater chance at happiness if they feel united. When I was young, because my father didn’t want children, it was just my mom and me and when she died, my family died with her, apart from my connection to her sister who is my big sister and dearest friend in one. But I’ve always felt the absence of an anchor, and I want to be that for them. For me it’s finally having a family, even if it’s on loan to heal another, there’s something truly special about making a positive difference in a child’s life.
When i was young, there were the odd people who popped into my life at certain points, and it may have only been briefly, but they left a lasting impression they taught me something I had failed to learn from other sources and then they were gone, but never forgotten. I can’t say that I got the lesson at the time, quite often it would be years later when the penny dropped.
So now I have learned more of what I need to make this work. I need a 3 bedroom house, kids needs elastic and the people taking care of them need as much space as they can afford to allow them to grow. I need it to be in a green environment, somewhere where the outside is pretty, not concrete and fumes.
But the financial aspect is the tricky point at this time, it takes such a lot of money to do it on your own. The gutting thing is, I have the deposit, but it’s tied up in this place, and I wont get it back until after I leave which is too late for finding a place in the first place. So I must have the deposit twice. At the moment i don’t know whether I will have additional money coming in, I’ll find out at the end of April, or whether i will have to rent out the other bedroom and save for the next 6 months, then move. So I”m kind of in limbo at the moment, There’s no point in renting it out now, because if I do have additional funds coming in, then I’m out of here, and that wouldn’t work with someone else here. So bide my time I must.
This makes me thing of my letter to my younger self, about more living less planning, but that’s impossible. I can’t go out and do things because I have to not spend a penny other than on necessities, and frankly I don’t really feel like it. Again and always my own worst enemy.
I got a text from this chap I met through online dating a month
after we first met. He’d obviously checked out the area and come back thinking that he could handle an impatient Scots woman. I wasn’t really impressed, all I kept thinking was he reminded me of  Philip in rising damp. Except the guy was a giant of a man, built like a rugby player but he was also the funniest snob, we would never have worked, but I thought it strange he came back after all that time. Needless to say I’m not interested. My mind is just not there, I actually want to do this fostering on my own, I feel that some children might feel safer with just a woman around, I know I did. And I know I am projecting my own experiences forward, but I also know that life has a way of sending you the right people at the right time. I do believe that when i foster, life with bring together the right fit.
I’ve had some great ideas for recipes, and one really naughty fattening one, that whilst i want to try, I’m also feeling so bloated with this blasted change of life going on, that I don’t want to worsen this feeling by gorging. I bloody hate the flushes, but a colleague at work told me how she’d been reading into it (seriously! when did I become that woman with her hormones!) because it was driving her nuts too and it seems exercise really does help stop them, so like the lazy arse that I am I googled this 4 minute intense work out, you know, the one you do until you feel like you’re going to pass out. But I wasn’t that impressed with what I read, so decided to choose another dvd Vicky Pattison’s 7 day slim – which came out ok in reviews. I’ll let you know if I ever get it out of the wrapper when it arrives and any progress that might come after!
I’m still working out the nooks and cranny’s of my blog. I feel little like a technical durrr  brain, I’ve set up things a little arse over tit, but have called in the cavalry, my petite french amie, who is going to take a look at it with her boyfriend, who also happens to be a developer this weekend. My saviours! But I’m getting there and may be at some point a complete stranger will read my self-absorbed musings! Until next week, I’ll catch ya later! x
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About The Cooking and Life Goddess

Writer, creative cook, and novice Paleo in training! Join me as I create and learn on my Cooking, Paleo and Writing journey :)

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