Dear Diary – it’s at it again! Shouting at me!

June 1, 2014

Dear Diary

It may have been a short working week this week for me, but it’s certainly been eventful. The universe has been shouting at me, again, and it took me ages to get what I think it’s saying, but my translation skills suck!

Just when you are sure you are headed in one particular direction life throws you a curve ball and lets you know that no matter how much you think you have a handle on it and you know where you are going, it can send you off down a completely new path. And although it’s not what you think you want to do, when you stop recognising yourself you know something’s got to give.

I hadn’t been thinking of change, I’d just become stuck in a loop when I received an email from someone presenting me with another idea I hadn’t thought I would ever consider, but it’s all about timing I guess. It came out of the blue, but once it arrived it made me think and it caused me to take stock of what’s important to me, opposed to what everyone else needs.  Sometimes you get so caught up in the momentum, you’re so busy you just don’t see the wood for the trees. Being a people pleaser is often detrimental to your own well being, that you need a jolt when it’s time to consider what will actually please you.

I know the facts, like change is inevitable, but it doesn’t make it any easier to take. When I commit myself to something I do so only after thinking it through thoroughly and believing whole heartedly that it is worth 100%.  But just because you function that way, doesn’t mean to say that people around you share the same sentiment.

Just because you care strongly and do everything you can to make a positive difference, doesn’t mean the same will be given in return, and whilst I should already know this, I can’t help but feel sad and disappointed that I’ve had to have that particular lesson proven to me yet again. Must I really lower my own expectations so as to avoid disappointment? Why should I have to change in order to find a measure of happiness within a situation?

It’s like, when you’re driving and you stop at a zebra crossing, there are those people who acknowledge you and don’t hang about, conscious that you are stopping your journey for them as they scurry across; then there are those who blindly just walk out, ambling across across, in no hurry, chatting on their phone completely oblivious to you. People tend to fall into either of these categories, the latter types of people tend to piss me off, they are stupid for not paying any attention to their surroundings, and they are selfish for behaving as if the world owed them something.  The former, I like, these are people who respect others and a simple smile is rewarding and warms your day.

Relating to another aspect, I received my 6th rejection for my book, which is not great admittedly, but getting a book published is like trying to find ‘the one’ a seriously tough challenge. When it hits that person it will just grab them, so until then I just have to keep going, keep trying to find ‘the one’ who’ll get it.

I have had an American publishing house express interest, but it would have needed me to put in a small percentage of the costs towards publishing and I want a literary agent to believe in it as much as I do. I’ve even had another author show it to a veteran film producer who suggested that it might be better if I turned it into a film treatment as they believed it would make a great film. I don’t actually know much about writing film treatments and my dream is to see it published into a book, so I am going to keep trying. But I have to admit, in moments of doubt, it is reassuring to know that there are people who do already believe in Snoopee and the bomb suit.

I rewrote the last couple of chapters last week, and there was something about it that just felt right, like it had to get to this point to be ready. Or am I just grasping at straws? Hormones really don’t help, but it is difficult not to get a little despondent during this process, I’m sure every writer goes through this. And it has been years since I first started the book, years ago it was another title and a whole different book.  But I will continue to talk myself out of being negative.

I wonder since I have at least 150 recipes if I shouldn’t be focusing on getting one of my cook books published instead? Do most writers heads run round in circles like mine?

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About The Cooking and Life Goddess

Writer, creative cook, and novice Paleo in training! Join me as I create and learn on my Cooking, Paleo and Writing journey :)

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